Good news. Odd Reaction.

Let’s get the good news part of this story out of the way right off the bat… I received my pathology results from my breast surgeon and, although a 4cm bundle-of-badness was found in my right breast, it was completely removed and the margins were large enough that I don’t have to have any further treatment. The lymph nodes that were removed were clear as well.

To be very clear – this is VERY good news. It means the decision to remove the breast was correct AND that they removed it early enough that it hadn’t spread.

Then why am I not happy? I AM happy but it is with a side of “well, what now?”. I was in full Fight Mode. I was ready to take on anything and everything. I was strong and tough and busy making everyone else feel ok about my medical drama. Hmph. I don’t need to fight anymore (double hmph). My brain is having trouble catching up with this news.

I guess I will give myself grace. I am still recovering. I am now week 5 post surgery. It has been a little rough. Any surgery is rough. There is pain, medications, people telling you what you can and cannot do, with a lot of time to think thoughts. Immediately after surgery my hemoglobin dropped to 85 (let’s not forget that I am still battling 2 kinds of leukemia). My body compensated relatively quickly but it remains in the 90s only. I was also plagued with morning headaches and dizziness that stopped me in my tracks. I think you’ve ALL heard about my headaches and dizziness (sorry) – I complained more about that than about the mastectomy itself! The dizziness was probably caused by one of the post-op medications I was on and it has now dissipated. The headaches cannot be explained. My hematologist thinks that my body is trying it’s best to keep itself going on a good day and after the surgery it had to work even harder and the headaches may have been a result. They are much less frequent (phew).

Did I mention I had a lot of time to think?? – I think the reason for the headaches and dizziness was to slow me down. I needed to sit and recover and let other people do things for me. It turns out I have a hard time with this!!! When I have a headache I can not do anything else. Sit and heal I must. A HUGE thank you to those that helped me in these times. Angela and Ella who each gave up a week of their lives to fly here and take care of me. Those of you who brought food or sent delivery service gift cards. Those of you who sent flowers, balloons, gift baskets, edible arrangements etc. Those of you who thought to check up on me in any format over the past 5 weeks. Those of you who just said a quiet prayer with intentions headed in my direction. And … those of you who listened to my crazy thoughts, worries, and complaints. You are all rock stars and I appreciate ALL OF YOU!

I feel this post would not be complete without mention of my dad. My dad has been quietly in my corner my entire life. To me, it is no surprise that he died the night before my surgery – I felt him with me the entire time. He will, continue to forever be, quietly in my corner.

I am starting to return to my regularly scheduled day to day life – with a little bit of physio and a few more doctors appointments. I developed “cording” which is running down my arm and needs a little attention. As I return to my daily life I feel weird. I feel out of sorts. I feel sad and not like myself. I was already feeling these things and then I get the call from my surgeon with the “good news”. And now I am supposed to be “happy”. I have been living in Survival Mode for so long my nervous system has not caught up yet. Relief will come but first I will go through exhaustion, sadness and emptiness that have come along with this particular fight. I’ve got some pretty heavy emotions to get through first. Then I will be happy.

It has been very therapeutic for me to write this out. It is also important to me to explain the many layers that can go along with any person’s medical journey. It’s not all black and white (as it may seem to an outsider looking in) and it is important to try and meet people where they are on their particular journey. I do not want to scare you away from saying things to me with the worry you will say the wrong thing. You don’t have to (nor can you) fix my problems but it is important to show up. This is advise for anyone you know who may be struggling and you don’t know what to do. SHOW UP. Help them feel less alone.

Courage is grace under pressure. ~Ernest Hemingway